To 4/4 of ‘09: Seeing all of you come back today to rekindle old ties and re-live old memories has touched me. So many of you have told me you miss each other and that a year on, you still reminisce and yearn for the good ol’ days again. I don’t know how all of you became so united. It was something I didn’t anticipate but I truly want to say that looking at all of you has given me the motivation to go on, at least for another year. Thank you for being there for each other and for me. You’ve embodied whatever I had hoped for in a form class. No matter how tough life may be in the future, keep looking back on past experiences and believe that you possess the strength to overcome any challenge. We’ll try to sustain thus for as long as we can. I believe that as long as we put our mind to it, it will be possible. You’ve all moved on well. IJ is proud of you. In your own way, each of you has played a part in keeping me sane and provided me with the strength to go on. Hope to see everyone again soon.

To the class of 2010:

I’ve shared interesting moments with quite a number of you. Your openness and willingness to share certainly made this possible. For simply being who you are, you have somehow touched the lives of those around you.

To the select few who I’ve grown so close to: thank you for trusting me enough to share your life stories. I know some of you are “terrified” of talking to me lest I end up making you cry but you’ve persisted and survived those conversations with me nonetheless. :)

It leaves me to say that I will certainly miss all of you, IJ girls. Nonetheless, I should take heart in the fact that all of you are moving on to greater things in life. Stay true to yourself and “shine in the world like bright stars because you are offering it the word of life”.

God bless!

It’s so easy to forget and so much harder to remember.

It’s easy to forget that God loves us and that He really wants us to live in His grace.

It’s easy to forget the people who have done good for us in our lives, it’s so easy to forget to be grateful.

The past weeks have been tremendously tiring and trying, in all sense of both words. However, nothing was as bad as coming to the realisation that I haven’t exactly been the most faithful disciple of Jesus.

It is so easy to forget God and just go about my daily life without consciously devoting more time to Him. It was even easier to forget that I had already promised myself and God to discern the next move that I will make in my life. For too long a moment, I actually forgot that the heavenly Father is just waiting patiently for me and biding time, just like the father in the Gospel story of the prodigal son today.

I’m one who actually reminisces a lot but of late, these spurts of retrospection have brought on more pain than joy. I began to realise how easy it is to forget people and for people to forget one another. Maybe that’s why God wanted us to rely on Him and no one else because He has our names carved on the palm of His hands and will never forget us.

Try not to forget the people around you and what they have done and will continue to do for you. You never know when they might not be around anymore and then it might be too late to say anything to them.

People say, some things are worth remembering while others are not. I say, remember what is worthwhile and forget what is not. Remember the person but forget the deed. It’s the person that matters, not just the deed.

Reminisce.

They say never to look back, to always look forward, to not live in regret, to think of what lies ahead. Though seemingly relevant and true, I find some value in looking back on our lives too.

A random look at the photographs from the previous 5 years led me to realise how much I’ve been blessed and yet how much I’ve taken for granted as well. I miss some moments, I miss many people and I hope to touch base with many others whom I’ve relegated to the sidelines because of work. 

As friends around me and even my sister begin yet another semester at university, it also dawned upon me that I miss my very own days as an undergrad.

Oh, the freedom then, the wackiest moments in lecture theatres, breaks in the Arts canteen and the cafe at Forum, catching up with friends from other faculties and majors and I definitely will never forget the frantic photocopying frenzy of tutorial readings at the Central library. That was our love-hate relationship with Soci. I must say though, I credit my sociological training for helping me remain sane and less depressed. Why so? Because it taught me that there are social forces at work which affect individual life courses. Well, to put it in another way, for every social ill and imbalance - blame society.

Ok, I better not take that too far. Anyway, as I see my friends and sister bidding for modules, fretting over trying to establish a 3-day timetable for themselves, I grin and recall how often my friends and I used to do that as well.

Funny, isn’t it, how much can change in just a matter of a few years?

I guess that’s the thing about life-stages. When we write the conclusion to one chapter of our lives and pick the pen up to begin the next chapter, we sometimes don’t realise that along with that will come new challenges, new insights, new priorities and even new personalities.

I think I’ve very much been shaped by what I decided would be my career or should I say, vocation. I’m glad though, that I’m only writing a conclusion to this particular chapter of my life now and not the ending to the story of my life. If God for one moment should withdraw His hand from me or take the breath of life away, that would be a different story. 

I think 5-year blocks are good segments for life-stages. Well, according to my philosophy at least. If I go by that principle, then I guess now will be the best time to start writing the conclusion to this particular chapter of my life story. 

How shall I begin the conclusion to this chapter? 

Let’s see….I think I need to start by making a decision.

What should I do next? Where shall I go? ……

I never thought I would feel this way and that my passion will sustain me but it’s been increasingly difficult to keep going.

It’s as if……there’s no reason to keep going, there’s no motivation to keep striving, there’s no urgency to keep working, there’s no goal worth attaining. 

“Lead a purposeful life” - that sounds pretty much like my mission and vocation in life but is there always a visible and tangible purpose? Is there anything concrete or quantifiable that will make it all worth it in the end?

Why is it that ‘heart’ work is always so fulfilling and yet so painful at the same time?

Why is it that ‘hard’ work seems easy to maintain but yet it makes dullness set in after a while?

Spiritual work, liturgical work, supposedly God’s work - the most fulfilling and satisfying but yet the one that also has the greatest and most number of battles. The worst thing about it? The battles are not physical, they are emotional, psychological and spiritual.

I’ve reached a point where I don’t even know what I’m doing anymore and why I’m working so hard. 

How much more can I do? How much more energy do I have left? How many more initiatives can I put forth? How many more people can I counsel? How many more can I help? How long more can I do this before I crash emotionally and physically? How long more will I remain effective? 

The world talks about performance, extrinsic rewards, promotions, renumeration, advancement, progress. It sounds attractive, tempting, desirable. But after a while, I wonder - do I really want this? Did I do all I did just for this or shouldn’t there be more to it?

I am blessed - Song plays. I listen. I try to make sense of it.

“…And I am blessed, every time I look into my baby’s eyes
I think of all the friends who touched my life
I realise in a world where some have more and some have less
I have love and I am blessed

So many changes, this world can put you through
sometimes it’s hard to find a way, our heart can get confused
but then I hold you and all falls into place
So when I’m feeling down or sorry for myself
I look around and it’s easy to tell”

Lord, undo my unbelief.
Convince me that this is all worth it. That the battle is worth fighting. That there is indeed a higher purpose for all these. That my shortcomings can be worked on. That my inadequacies can be made up for by You. That this is something You want me to do. That I will run the race and not grow weary.  

“…I know I’ve gotta change. So from now on tonigh,
Jesus take the wheel, take it from my hand
Cos I can’t do this on my own
I’m gonna let it go
So give me one more chance
Save me from this road I’m on…”

“Crucified, laid behind a stone,

You lived to die, rejected and alone.

Like a rose, trampled on the ground, 

You took the fall and You thought of me,

above all.”

Today - a day when explainable things happened without any rhyme or reason.

Kneeling in church, in prayer, I felt a wave of sadness and tiredness wash over me. Have never felt like this for some time. It just made me realise that I have been so busy and preoccupied that I didn’t even have time to deal with my own feelings and emotions. 

Why ‘crucified’? I don’t know too. In a song which seems more apt for the Lenten season, the lyrics nonetheless seem to pervade my consciousness even though it’s very much the Ordinary season. 

I think many things trample us. Concerns, nagging feelings, worries, anxiety, seemingly insolvable problems, relationships, choices, decisions, work, deadlines, expectations, wants, desires, festering negative emotions, fatigue, ‘meaningless-ness’, fears, disappointments, discouragement, a lack of direction…

…….

I guess in times like these, a simple grammatical principle may help. (not that I thrive on grammar rules. I am more for sociological explanations :) )

Well, I guess we should ‘TRAMPLE’ on those aspects than allow ourselves to be ‘trampled’ on by it. 

Tears fell as I knelt before the crucifix but somehow or other, they weren’t tears of sadness or pain. They flowed, without any apparent reason - a tangible reminder to myself that I am still, h-u-m-a-n.

It’s easy to walk on in life, going from task to task without being conscious, at times, of the fact that I am very much a human BE-ING. (Grammar rules again: but to be in an “-ing” mode certainly denotes continuous action) I am alive and I need to allow that to come through in my interactions with people, in what I say and in what I do. This certainly reminds me of the very poignant quote that used to hang in the CJC auditorium. I walked into the auditorium many times during my tenure as a student then, to be greeted by the big, bold words on the wall: 

“The glory of God is the human person fully alive.” St Irenaeus

With that said, I won’t deny that sometimes, I need to make a conscious effort to remind myself that happiness is not just the absence of sadness but also a conscious choice. 

The drafting of this post started with the song ‘Above all’ playing from my song list. Now, as I end off, the song that is playing is aptly titled ‘Jesus, take the wheel’.

Lord, steer my life in the direction YOU want it to go.